I never thought that my anxiety would affect my photography. They seemed so disconnected, like oil and water they could never mix. Yet now that I have a film camera and have tried taking pictures with it, I’m a nervous wreck. I’m worried that I may have my F-stop not set right, my ISO changed, my shutter speed is off, any number of things. It’s almost paralytic, it’s not, but almost. In less than 5 hours I have nearly had 2 anxiety attacks because of worrying about film.
Yet I’m not like actually worried, it’s more of like a post final exam kind of anxiety. Like a confident anxiety I guess is the best way to put it. I know that probably doesn’t make sense but anxiety, in my experience, never does. In my past it has been this looming specter, casing a long, dark shadow over everything I ever attempted.
In the past few months, since before starting this website I have weirdly felt calmness in my anxiety. Like I’m more worried about how my mental health is perceived compared to how it actually is. Instead of worrying that people would judge me for having anxiety about whatever it is or having a depressive episode, or just me dealing with my autism and the social awkwardness that sometimes comes with it, I’ve just started accepting that I’m anxious, depressed, and autistic. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it makes me who I am.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say in this post, consider it the half(really three-quarter) drunk ramblings of a man obsessed with his recent artistic endeavor.
I do hope that in time I’ll be better able to communicate my inner thoughts and quasi-monologue to those of you reading this. Until then I thank you for reading and spending time here. Please remember that your mental health isn’t yours to deal with alone.
WC Fulks 